You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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