dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
