I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
