I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
