On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
