I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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