I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
