hotel room ftw
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
