That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
