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You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
