I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
