no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
