I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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