sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
