there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
are you so shy because you have an std?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
