Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Boobs are out for the taking
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I love you.
Bad choice
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
