i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
