Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
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They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
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My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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