i don't like sucking hair
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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