remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
