Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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