I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
