u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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