I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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