I accidentally burped into my bong.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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