Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
