Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
