I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
