well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
