Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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