Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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