It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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