Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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