Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
