I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
