You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
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I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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