The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
