every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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