Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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