The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she smelled like a LAN party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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