I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
