I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Shame - the story of my life.
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