Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
