he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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