Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
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In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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