Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
