I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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