Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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