You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
