If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
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YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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