Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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