I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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