Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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