Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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