when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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