note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
