I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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