did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
